so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
the lady in the checkout infront of me had a case of beer, two 40 oz, and activia...really??i dont' think irregularity is her problem
legit been throwing up since 7am. told my parents the two bowls of puke in my dorm were soup
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
at what point did you see referring to the bartender as 'the white precious' a good idea??
I mass texted 4 of you for a booty call. Please reply all when responding so only one of you shows up. Last one is a rotten egg.
wanna tell me why theres a glass of water stuffed with tamptons in the freezer?
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
She just mixed her Emergen-C with champagne... Vegas here we come!
But there's never enough margarita money.
This is going to be one of those situations where we lose a day, isn't it
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
He was my first marine! I wanna remember his name!
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