when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
i woke facing the corner with my computer and i had googled "how to put out a fire" i am so scared to turn around
why is pumping your own stomach in your searches on youtube?
He took a banana and in front of everyone showed her how he wanted it done.
just gave another girl i passed on the walk of shame a high five
I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
He gave me an orgasm before we even reached 2nd base, everything he did in high school is irrelevant.
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
I now own a bag of cigarettes and have no purse, awesome
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
Well I checked the bush outside his apartment building this morning, and he wasn't there... So I knew he was home.
Fucking shoot me with this y'all shit. You were in Texas for 2months you do not have an accent Madonna
I just did a walk of shame on my own block. one of the old neighbors saw and greeted me "good morning, girl next door"
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
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