yo I wanna see you, bring that beard of yours
mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
How's tricks little girl?
Trix are for kids, old man.
the brownie started to kick in before i finished the essay... it became a race against my own increasing intoxication
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
Just so you know I would totally fuck you. Does that count as a feeling?
Yeah but he's impersonating a gargoyle jumping off of everything. Including the walls.
That was like me applying to a law school drunk at 5 am
Hahaha. That's funny.
But I got an 18k dollar per year scholarship
Bring your friend that fell asleep in the bathroom for my friend.
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
I told him if he cums in my mouth he has to buy me a cake that says "sorry I came in your mouth"
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
At one point I was counting his nipple hairs to calm myself down.
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
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