The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
There is a girl in bio drinking beer out of a starbucks cup with a straw
No more Irish car bombs ever.
we just got kicked out of the mexican restaurant. i have a full pitcher of margarita's hiding under my coat.
You're cordially invited to the love nest for alcoholic and aquatic adventures. Also known as an all expense paid trip to my pool, alcohol, and vagina.
The worst part was I wasn't conscious enough to move out of the way, I knew i was being puked on but I couldn't move.
This is irresponsible on your part, leaving me alone in a bar.
What is a foreign vacation of stupidity without some fake names?
If we can only get laid once in a blue moon, apparently this will be our month.
Youre the drunk baby that everyone wants to take care of.
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
We figured you were on something when you said that your nipples couldn't hear the music.
I planned to shave today but it's Friday the 13th I might cut something
Why is everyone giving me a hard time for drinking?!
Your in the library.
Randomize
