hey I'm just gonna fall asleep in the bathroom at the library call me when you're done with class
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
We played strip Bananagrams and I won. Thank fuck I read a lot as a child.
Just received a visit from the Ghost of Bad Decisions Past. Kind of weird 90% of the flashbacks happened in the same sixteen month span, the rest happened at Taco Bell.
Vegas should really enforce the buddy system because if not everyone is going to end up swimming during the water show in front of the Bellagio.
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
I woke up to find my purse full of puke, and all I could think was not again.
Not drinking has really freed up a lot of my time. I made a bracelet yesterday. I miss bars.
So how was the sex with me last night?
No worse than usual.
I woke up at 4 am to a guy curled up in the fetal position sobbing in our front yard. Oh college.
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
I hope you get a lego stuck in your dickhole
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
There are condoms rolled onto each bunny ear of the ears I was wearing last night
I think I just got buffalo sauce on my penis. Is that a turn on or off?
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