god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
2 am we went back to his house. his mom handed us beers and cooked us pancakes. the next morning his dad had washed my car. i lied. living at home after college definitely does not suck.
things I have learned from cosmo today- 40% of guys are uncircumsized, you can have a beer facial, and i really need to get tested for std's
We don't need a hotel, we'll just sleep in the post office.
All I really need to know is how to say "where is the bathroom" and "I don't take it in the butt anymore". I think that will suffice.
we need to find an occasion to wear tutus
I'm wearing your poncho, and only your poncho. I'm not getting pulled over like this.
So my dad just walked in on me with the same girl twice in 3 nights. I told him if he wants to see her tits to adleast admit it. All he did was smirk.
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
If someone told me one person in the department was secretly a death eater, I would suspect her, no contest.
I have no inclination to even want to think about what God's existential meltdown is going to be like. O.o
I dont have to work tomorrow im yelling gibberish at squirrels
You left your phone here
Wait...
it will be a surprise...all I can say is stripper clown.
Randomize
