I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
Found a phone last night. Hope "daddy" gets picture messages
So.. My internet got red-flagged at work because i did a search on "midigit strippers las vegas" This may be hard to explain...
Just facebooked the guy whose name you're yelling in there. So you're aware, his interests include "swearing at babies" and "Ice luge"
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
We tried to get a ride from the same firefigters that were turning off the fire alarm going off at our house.
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
Abby spilt her vodka all over the train's bathroom floor
WE'RE THE ONES DRESSED UP FOR THE LARGEST DRINKING HOLIDAY IN AMERICA WHO ELSE ON THIS TRAIN IS A SUSPECT FOR THIS SMELL?!
People will say "JOE YOU MUST TURN DOWN" and I will refuse, in the name of liberty.
I accidentally called my professor daddy...and I think he liked it. Help, I'm scared.
Send me a picture of our booze closet. I'm homesick.
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
He is getting no nudes from me. I don't even care if I'm losing his legal advice.
I’ve looked at so many mouse vaginas in the past week
Randomize
