Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
have you ever noticed that homeless people never have acne. suck it proactive
Is it bad that Pitbull has taught me more Spanish than high school did?
wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
Just wandered into a surprise final. Only a surprise for me though. I wish I could say this is the first time this has happened.
just remind me when i get fired soon that august is the month i started pregaming work
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
Just an FYI if we break up I'm going to sleep with your cousin or who ever my dealer is.
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
Cancun blessed me with a drinking problem
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
He's my favorite late night booty call. He lives next to a Wendy's.
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
Please don't finger me like a jackhammer. I'm a woman not a construction site.
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