So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
stranger just walked up to the fridge at the party, took the hawaiin punch out, drank it straight from the bottle, looked at everyone who stared in awe and said "im fucking thirsty" and put it back.
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
I'll see ya tonight at your house...and I'm bringing you a special treat that starts with a V and ends with us eventually going to rehab one day.
I found her sleepin on the side of the house in the rocks. so i woke her up and yelled at her and she would only come inside if i let her sleep in the bathroom.
I have a gash on my leg an a lobster leg in my purse.
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
Shame tastes like burnetts and latex
exactly. I want him to have to live with the fact that he fucked me. I want him to look me in the eye and say "you were a drunken mistake".
I just had a twenty minute discussion about endangered breed dog breeding with an Extremely drunk guy
So many questions...
Remind me to talk to you about nipple clamps.
I'm so happy for you. But I still have to shave because a woman has needs and this woman needs an orgasm.
MDMA, margaritas, mashed potatoes and ice cream aren't keto Kristin
Randomize
