I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
there was so much ham clogging the tub drain.. he said it was ok he has a cleaning lady
He woke up in the ambulance thinking he was still in the club.
I just laid my head on this pillow and I smelt your penis. It was comforting.
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
I just spent a pre-4th of july celebration riding in a raft being towed by a car through a town that I've never heard of handing out flyers for a river rafting company that I never knew existed. Good night.
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
They live across the street from a school baseball field so they have porter potties across the street and let's just say that I'm grateful they exist
She's in labor and I'm doing shots. Whose the real winner here?
Is it okay to get drunk at a baby shower? ....asking for a friend
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
Greattt I just sexted my dad trying to write u back
Woke up with a pineapple again... where do i keep on getting these ??
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