I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
Please tell me you did not just serenade her with "Let's Get it On"?
Yeah I think it worked. My penis thanks you, Captain Morgan.
I've rolled joints bigger than that penis.
wouldnt it be awesome if walks of shame were like charity walks...you could get sponsors and shit and donate money to curing STDs or cancer
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
The Masters... another excuse to excessivly start drinking by 1
It's 10am. I'm hungover wearing a flyers jersey and a phillies hat and eating a cheesesteak. I'm not the only one. Best city ever.
the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
Shared a jello shot with her mom last night. then she tucked me in and took of my shoes for me
I got us a lift home. Payment may require me giving road head, are you cool just chilling in the back seat pretending to be oblivious to this happening?
No it'll be my boobs and the luge part will be from my nipples. Everyone will be sucking beer from my perfectly sculpted and partially melted tits.
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
Just remember, it's never too late to make a porno
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
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