Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
No way. Every time you have sex with him you'll end up staring into those eagle eyes and stop mid-orgasm.
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
He straight up just had me drive all the way here and when I got here he was drinking a cup of tea and right after said he needed to go to bed
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
Painting strippers breast and vaginas to look like easter eggs. What r u doing tonight.
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
went out to hit golf balls, ended up doing splits at the bar. you're a bad influence.
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
Still drunk. lying on the floor just rubbing my cats nipples
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
While I was giving him head he told me he had to go door to door the next day and "spread the word of Jesus Christ" I felt like a Disney villain out to steal his virtue.
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