Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
Honey, If i waited till marriage I wouldnt know what a dick tasted like.
It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
You guys were grinding to YMCA. I knew you were going to hook up with him.
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
IM PICKING UP BLOW FOR US STOP WHINING ABOUT SEX
This would be a good time for the don't get drunk and bang a married chick pep talk...
I want "hickeys on my ass" sex
This chick at the gym, just informed me I was super funny this weekend. Especially when I untied her friends bikini top after throwing up in the women's restroom. SWEET black out chronicles has another story
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
you were angry and didn't have anything else to throw so you threw a breakfast burrito...?
I lost the right to judge tonight
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
I burned my tit while he banged me and it was still the best kitchen sex EVER!!!
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
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