if i had a camp nickname it would be Flick Bean
splinters make it hard to masturbate
At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
I just remember taking her cat for a walk around 3 am then falling asleep in a slide at the park
She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
So. Much. Sex. I feel like i ran a marathon then someone kicked me in the vagina. Soo worth it
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
I mean, I already put pants on today. We're already halfway there
I HAVENT SEEN A PENIS IN 5 WEEKS I REFUSE TO REMAIN CALM
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
New drinking game get out your high school year book and take a shot for everyone in your class who's had a baby!
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