help me. he won't leave me alone. he just licked my ear and he's so drunk. get him off me. we're in the closet. help.
If I say "It's good enough" and I'm not talking about a sandwhich, that's your queue to stop me, you're supposed to be my friend.
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
He just went up to bed, still drunk from last night, carrying a pear, a pipe, and an unopened bottle of wine. I think he'll be fine.
Gonna open a taco bell in colorado. Millions bro.
They are taking turns pissing on the fire. This is my life.
what i'd really like is a nice helping of naked boyfriend with a side of naked boyfriend.
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
sometimes you just have to listen to beyonce and cry. that's how life works
Sexting just isn't as much fun once you learn how bad he is in bed...
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
Until you've snorted cocaine at 6am before your nursing school clinicals birthing babies you're not on my level
Taking a walk while tripping face during Halloween time was a bad idea. I started crying bc I was so scared and hide in the parks playground.
Randomize
