Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
Saw a guy smoking a cig holding it with a fork and driving WTF?
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
She was pretty drunk. It was like watching a puppy explore the world for the first time.
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
How interesting! I'm adding this to my list of things to discuss with you between fucks.
And the prospective student I was showing around had to take care of me.
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
what is considered shitting yourself?
Like my underwear wasn't soiled, but there was definitely a departure from my asshole.
His dick is pure magic - dark, powerful, beautiful magic. It's the Elder Wand of penises
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
I spent half my night explaining that i'm in an open relationship to the guys that I liked, and the other half of the night explaining that I have a boyfriend to the guys that I didn't like.
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
So I figured it out. There's two types of shitters. Moaners and grunters. And on occasion there's a third. It's the ill fabled grunt moaner.
Randomize
