Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
Hah, I lost the lenses in my glasses, didn't event notice til this morning... How was the meeting?
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
We all just did coke and we're coloring so if you're sober its pointless for you to come over here
My professor laid down on the floor and told us a story that involved being naked covered in Vaseline with a pumpkin on your head. No lie. This is going to be a great semester.
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
Chipotle farts are not good for seducing boys.
Which president had the biggest dick?
Take your time, I'll wait
I cant miss out on a half day of work without a booty call
Been using bowl smoking as a method of time for so long I don't know how long it actually takes to get to work
I aimed for bossy but it came out slutty
Randomize
