WTF I just almost got ran over by a fucking cop!!!!!!
LOL you shoulda thrown yourself in front for money. Fucking cops!
Just heard a guy discussing with someone else the amazing blow job you gave him. I’m in New York. Over 2 hours away from where you live. I have never been more proud.
Its sad we have to plan out fun a month in advance. 30 sucks.
So there is a guy driving a robot around the college of engineering selling energy drinks
If it makes you feel better, I doubt anything could survive in your uterus.
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
Its a first. Never been peed on in a line to concert. First time for everything.
She kept telling me it was a squirtgun.
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
Just realized Ive never seen my f buddy in the daylight. What if he looks different?
Give me 20 minutes.. I'm going to need to start off with an orgasm to get through this day
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
I ordered from the drive thru as i was peeing on the menu
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
Randomize
