so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
Billy Mays is dead too!
Somewhat annoying American icons better be watching their backs
I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
No she had like 2 shots and started ironing her clothes and whispering random shit in my ear
If Dave says he's going to have sex with her, he's going to fuck her retarded and turn her crazy. So run.
I've been told that their best stripper is on maternity leave. NEVER AGAIN.
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
Nursing home in NJ just got busted for prostitution and drugs...dropping off my deposit tomorrow
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
Yet he continued to eat cereal out of the glove compartment in my car.
As long as he continues to be our subleaser and continues to fuck me, I think it's acceptable for me to steal a piece of bread here and there.
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
Randomize
