the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
five shots of tequila, anal and 3 cigarettes. not my best idea on a saturday afternoon.
Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
bro im too drunk for your spanish code words. did you fuck her or not.
Define 'illegal'. Your idea of it and my idea are in separate universes.
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
I just want the relationship Bob and Linda Belcher have- is that too much to ask?!
I need a drink. No, several. I need several drinks. Drunk, I need to be drunk. Definitely need to be drunk
She wanted a dick pic so I sent her brett Favres dick pic then she asked why I have pictures of old men's beautiful dicks
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
after the ketamine those signs on the bathroom door had little meaning to us
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