it's like everything I expected to see tonight all put together in one at once
that is the greatest description ever
i love rice pilaf. whoever invented that i would give them a hug.
Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
COME GET ME FR THE HOSPIGAL'!!!!!
Since he's sober and out of jail, he acts like we are the worst people on Earth. Fuck him, the only acceptable time in life to do coke is the early twenties. He won't take that from us.
after she rolled over and said 'i'm so glad you're like my gay best friend, love you' then left. did i just get friendzoned AFTER sex??
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
So after taking my shirt off, he pulls my bra off like a hockey jersey. FUCKIN PRO. Guy knew what he wanted.
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
What, so now you are his nutritionist and his fuck buddy?
WE ARE DOING DRUGS AND GOING TO THE STRIP CLUB SATURDAY LADIES
I got a free corona t-shirt and all I had to do was drink a beer. This needs to be a more widely accepted form of currency.
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