that drag queen yelled at him and touched me to make him jealous and said things like this is what a real man feels like. it was a thrill.
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
I JUST SHOOK HIS GRANDMOTHER'S HAND. WITH COCK HANDS. THIS IS NOT FUNNY.
No, I didn't like him that much. But I took one for the team. And by the team I mean me and my vagina.
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
Apparently she got a minor consumption for using vodka soak tapmons
Does that work!! Please say yes
I just realized that every possible way I walk to campus I walk by the house of someone I slept with
What happened to fro yo and sex?
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
11/10 would buy him a McLobster
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
ugh i want to get waxed but I’m afraid. my vagina has had enough trauma this week, i don’t know if I can put her thru any more.
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
My parents are being so annoying about my colon.
I'm at the fucking ritz Carlton and I would leave here to cuddle with her. Not even fuck, just cuddle. What th hell is wrong with me?
I think it's called love, bro
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