Nick had a break down & said to me "Everybody's mad at me, I'm the douchebag, Im the fucking douchebag that everyone hates, Do you wanna come home with this douchebag?!"
You're going home with him aren't you?
I'll see ya in the morning when I leave his house
i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
For future reference, the words 'big' and 'problem' should be used sparingly with a person whom you have recently had copious amounts of unprotected sex
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
there are teeth marks in the soap. why are there teeth marks in the soap.
He asked for a foot job. Whatever. I guess I'm swimming in new slut waters tonight.
WHY AM I THE ONLY ONE CONCERNED ABOUT THE SEAGULL IN THE OVEN
I got punched in the face by a Cowboy last night. Then he bought me a beer cause o convinced security not to kick him out the bar. Start of a fairytale love story? I think so.
I thought you wanted to talk?
What part of "Lets have angry sex" means I want to talk?
Please tell me you're not home alone watching Glitter.
Can you see in?
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
First time a guy goes down on me and his dog had its head on my knee the whole time. I swear it was judging me.
Its really awkward pooping while on videochat. Even if you turn the video off.
Randomize
