I wish I could punch you in the face.
It's finally official that I am from Oklahoma. I'm currently sleeping with my ex-fling's brother.
you know its a sad night when you can actually see and hear sitcoms on at the bar
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
Is it weird being in the house without any roommates?
Nah, just masturbating louder
Land Before Time marathon. we drink every time littlefoot almost eats a treestar.
Well I'm 85-90% sure that he licked syrup off my body, but no guarantees...
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
We just had can't-look-you-in-the-eye sex and it was still surprisingly good
Did you ever think you lost your bong and then you find it in the weirdest place? I mean, who leaves their bong in the shower?
Apparently last night I was doing back bends for the guy making my easy mac because clearly it wasn't easy enough for me.
I never thought I'd be on my couch watching Star Trek, getting my tits rubbed while crying.
Randomize
