I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
a girl is trying to cook hot pockets in a saute pan on the stove.
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him.
Hey thanks again for rolling me that blunt necklace. It was amazing.
She wanted to to do it on top of a horse, I can't compete with that
You played a drinking game to fat people crying. It's a long climb to the moral high ground, why bother?
I have a friend that keeps saying he wants to go bear hunting. Thought I would say just walk down church street at night. What intersection is it?
I managed to make myself a bowl of apple jacks, took one bite and had to stop eating them because they were making my brain wiggle. How was your comedown?
Because the guy guy doing the drawing either wanted to bone, or wanted us to stop entering the contest. Either way, we got concert tickets so I'm cool with both scenarios.
time to play the game of how much Christmas shopping I can get done before these shrooms kick in
Just told my roommate about "analvice" and she is horrified and the Sound of Music is ruined.
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
He just blew a .079. Jesus loves him THAT much.
Randomize
