I'm in a strip club that reminds me of a crack house from the 80's.
Twist it, pull it, flick it... Bop it was like the first time I touched myself.
I think we should involve a squid next time we fuck.
u kno there is a reason i dont tell mi friends about u
woke up to 35 texts all saying im cheating on her
me and last nights hook up spent two hr. figuring out a reply we went with i love you..
And he was super vague about his life, it was frustrating. I totally boned a homeless guy, didn't I?
Yeah, I wouldn't mind getting fingered in the corner of a dive bar again.
I decided they need a food cart that just roams around the library like the cotton candy people at the circus. But with real food. like tacos cause it sounds delicious.
next time we drink: battle shots.
battle shots or battle shits? if its the first, explain. if its the second I think I figured it out.
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
I can't figure out if I'm dying from all of the booze still in my system, or from the cement wall.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
Girl I love you like I've been drinking all day
He fingered me in a Waffle House bathroom and then stole a traffic cone. Is this love that I'm feeling?
fell asleep while jerking off ln. woke up to my hand in my pants and my cat crawling all over me
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