Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
do you remember waking up from your blackout, kissing me ever so softly on the stomach, and saying "i love you bro. so much," then passing back out?
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
It was actually pretty good. His cock is as fat as the rest of him and I took out my contacts so I couldn't see him clearly.
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
The least you could do before I go into your room is throw away the condom wrapper from the other girl I know you're banging.
And by go well you mean everyone's hammered right?
Yupp. And someone's bleeding
its weird that my cat bites every fat chick i bring home. i repeat every fat chick, qhT KINDA FRIEND ARE YOU
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
I can't believe just smoked out of a pear
I can't believe you had a pear already made to smoke out of, that was impressive
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
I put on a face mask and masturbated for an hour... my face now has a green tint
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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