Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
standing in the yard with no pants on waiting for google maps to come and take a picture.
he had a TATTOO on his FACE. a tattoo on your face basically says "i've gone as far in society as i'd like to."
Cant decide who was more of a mess the morning after... me when i passed out in the bathroom stall or you when you sprayed yourself down with hairspray thinking it was sunblock
I don't know what part of vegas I'm in but its definately the wrong part
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
The a/c is broken so they cut a softball size whole in the freezer door. Goodbye deposit.
...And then you kept screaming "cock mouth" in her face every time she tried to talk.
The best, and by the best I mean the worst, was the 7 month along pregnant chick in the skin tight body suit.
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
The guy I brought home last night made a speedy escape while I was in the bathroom. The only trace I found of his flight was a lone sock on the stairs.... It was like a whorey low budget Cinderella
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
ever bang a guy wearing an $800 suit? today you will.
I feel like this is something I should shave my legs for
You're having marijuana delivered to you. You're buying drugs and you aren't even leaving the house. I'm sure he'll be surprised if you're NOT wearing a bathrobe.
Our entire day shift is on either molly or acid. I'm about to take two hits of the latter.
Randomize
