she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
I love the moment a guy admits defeat against the front clasping bra.
tailgaiting my last final, a perfect sendoff.
is election day enough of a holiday to justify getting fucked up on a tuesday?
Used a cardboard box as a pillow and a towel as a blanket. Its like the great depression over here
I was tied up in bed before noon, the rest of the day can go to hell.
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
Oh, and one of the worst parts... his name was Mario. I fucked a Nintendo character.
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
I made a bong out of my deodorant today. Did you?
should i be that dick who brings a carpet in an uberpool
Why are you moving a carpet?
it's unimportant
Already doing pt exercises by picking my margarita up off the night stand. Fuck yeah.
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
Randomize
