so Mike and I made a deal. we'd do anal if he would help me pick out carpet tomorrow.
What...you let him do that?
It wasnt that bad. the two minutes it took is nothing compared to the 10 hr day I have planned for him tomorrow
P.S. I can't hear my feet
EVERYONE CAN HEAR YOU FUCKING YOU ARE IN A TENT
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
No I got myself stoned. With her bowl. She was just a casualty of the War on Sobriety.
I was more obsessed with the sweat stain on her back that was simultaneously shaped like a vagina and the virgin Mary.
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
Judging by your snapchat you're totally working on your project and definitely not singing, "The Sign" while shirtless with another man.
wow. there is a man who hates the post office more than me. he is causing a scene, this is a snapshot of elderly me.
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
As a heterosexual male nursing student, the odds are ever in my favor. My first semester has basically been The Horny Games. I've killed almost all of the competitors at this point.
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
I think I fucked the doubts about us out of him
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