When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
I have no idea who these bands are he's listening to. If his current playlist was a pandora station, however, it would be titled "music for closet cock gobblers"
I've been thinking and really it's a miracle I haven't had an STD yet.
I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
I used to practice getting hit by cars.
It was some time between the gurgles of her blowing me to us throwing up in the same bucket afterwards that I realized we would be doing this a lot.
I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
After three games of beer pong ending in victory by death cup, all four of us bonded in the fact that we all slept with the girl's boyfriend at some point in time in the past year. She had no idea.
I'm pretty sure the bus driver knew how hung over I was and hit all the pot holes on purpose. I threw up into my water bottle.
Just remember my house smells of thick cut bacon and I have a big dick.
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
We had sex in his hot tub. Then we saved a mouse that almost drown in his pool. We celebrated our heroism with more sex.
When the nurses wouldn't let him smoke in the hospital he decided to just roll around on the floor.
Just saw a girl I banged wearing a pro life shirt downtown. Not sure where to start with that.
Randomize
