SECOND walk of shame from the westside Hilton, SECOND foreign family w kids staring at me in my dress, glitter purse, spiky heels and booze breath. I said I was going to church. More confusion.
then they high fived as they party boyed me. I was a policewoman sandwhich. I love you halloween.
just brushed my teeth with a bottle of jack. ew. not all it's hyped up to be.
We need to stop sleeping with people based on which NFL team they like.
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
sick fucks of a feather flock together
HEY. NO. THIS IS ABOUT YOU RIGHT NOW. YOUR COCK, MY MOUTH, THATS IT.
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
He's far too busy staring into my soul to touch my tits.
He pulled out the guitar, sat in tub, and took requests while she puked her brains out in the toilet. I think he loves her.
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Randomize
