I have a hot bod, but my face sucks, what can i do?
So I came home baked last night and made about 60% of my jeans into jorts...
honestly I asked the same thing when we had our slip n slide and margarita party
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
I left myself a trail of jello shots, that ended at his door. OR maybe he left me a trail of jello shots at his door. DO I GO IN!?
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
let's remember the whole point of NYE: to drink antisocial amounts of antisocial drinks, become incoherent, ruin a carpet, talk to a tree, wake up with head sellotaped to toilet. The where/how is superfluous, my vote goes to a cupboard and a bottle of jaeger Questions?
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
Need your help. Dad's drunk and trying to build a still in the basement.
NM he's asleep in a pile of towels. They need to ease people back into Hockey Night in Canada.
you told the police officer you wanted to be just like her one day but not a lesbian
At least his std test came back clean, gotta look at the positives here
Aint no party like a Broke College Girls Eating Stuffed Crust Pizza party
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
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