I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
He played with my vagina like it was a turntable
stop calling my apartment porn island.
he just fed my chickens on farmville...i guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex<3
We left the house and she said "let's go dick hunting" theres no way last night was gonna end up well
This from the guy I found eating salad out of a pot lid in his boxers on his porch last night.
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
Sounds good. Look at us. Planning sex like proper adults.
I just wanna get hammered somewhere crazy. Meet some chicks. Bang them and then go scuba diving.
She's been drunk for three days now
Like three straight days. 72 hours
She's been covered in glitter for the last two and somehow she found a monkey
I walked into my house with my pants inside out, no shoes and a limp. My mom asked me if I had fun but I passed out before I could reply...
How the fuck did he think me asking about the possibility of a threesome was a rhetorical question?
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
Randomize
