There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
two gay guys came in and bought just a kite and a box of wine. Why cant I have saturday nights that awesome
He sent me a pic of his Junk. He said it was a Brett Farve valentine.
Alright we have to be drunk.before noon tomorrow. Its a new law i just got passed through congress. It goes into effect imediately
I just puked so hard I pissed myself. Outta my ass. I just won hangover of the century.
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
I just remember going to take a piss and looking down on the floor and thinking "that looks comfortable" and then I was out.
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
I am still worried she'll have a seizure durring. What would I do? Try to ride it out and finish, or pull out and assist?
I have a bag of frozen peas on my vagina. If you want to talk about real problems.
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
Randomize