Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
i can juggle bunnies
cool
on fire
At the bar. Guy comes up wearing a hollister shirt and says "lets blow this popsicle stand"
You fucking left with him didn't you?!
Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
He got kicked out 3 times. I have no idea how he kept getting back in. I saw him walking on the highway the next morning.
Hey ask him if he likes swappy seconds
I mean your new thing is losing body parts and feeling colors so its not like we are hurting for entertainment
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
I was so gone I thought the cops banging on my door were kids from the party trying to get into my room... needless to say, I started moaning louder so they would take the hint.
I left when you were using your mug to lay on the street and ask for spare change
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
I'm actually pretty sure the amount of alcohol I drank last night erased memories from other times in my life.
My mom has tinder, she is 45 and has her age setting at 18-29. And she still gets more matches than me
Randomize