Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
I woke up and went to my kitchen naked and decided I wanted a fruit cup. Ate said fruit cup. Look over and notice my male neighbor is staring at me
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
There is too much vodka and too much dick.
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
All i remember is people cheering me on to drink faster than the dog, out of the dog's bowl. I just couldn't stop.
As long as he sees me topless I don't care. Redemption. REEEDDDEMMMPPPTTIIIOOONNNNN
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
i forgot to brush my teeth before I went over so i went to the bathroom and started eating his toothpaste. we're still in the early stages of fuckdom
i was thinking shit as she was saying it. it was a sarcasm time loop
So did I or did I not flash an entire concert last night?
Threw up in hyvee parking lot. Thanksgiving shopping complete.
Did you just email Kelly and I gay dinosaur erotica?
Right in the middle of our simultaneous orgasms, he shouted "HAPPY NEW YEAR" ruining the intimacy
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
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