there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
I don't care if the man pisses on teenage girls, he's enchanting.
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
Sunday is a myth, I refuse to believe that I waste an entire day unable to function after a night of drinking.
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
She's been with the dude for a week saying she's in love. Yeah so am I. I just opened this beer 5 minutes ago and I LOVE IT ALREADY.
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
The important thing is that she is gone, presumably back to the depths of hell from whence she came.
So, if you eat too many protein bars, you will shit your pants. This I learnt today..... at work.
I'm glad you don't care about kids. That's one of your better qualities.
You went home with a guy at 11... than returned to the bar at 1
I woke up with a pillow, shampoo and a plant in my fridge. Eggs in the toilet, and I was wearing three pairs of girls underwear. What happened last night
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
Randomize
