I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
well I washed the adderal like an idiot. the capsules broke but the beads inside were intact. so my landlady came in and caught me licking the dryer lint screen
Had sex to a Lionel Richie song. I have a feeling I was conceived to it. Finally reached full circle.
I apologize for forcing you to look at my boob when we were high. It was uncalled for
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
She was our DD the least I could do is have sex with her. Even when drunk I'm still chivalrous.
Just wrestled a cop. He won my shorts. I won my freedom. In fishnets and army boots. still headed to the party. would appreciate pants, but not necessary.
OH DEAR GOD. He looks like if u licked him he'd taste like bourbon, sex and sunshine.
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
I just want a whole pitcher of margarita and a headdress from party city and sit around and look like a fucking indian princess.
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
I feel like my sexual preferences are just another sign that I am a 75 year old drag queen in a 29 year old woman's body.
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
sometimes i like to lay one the floor and pretend im a carrot.
Oh please. Preoccupy yourself with my penis.
Randomize
