Im watching he's just not that into you, eating way too much pizza, and feeling very single.
Just bonged a beer from a vuvuzela...this place is only doing good for me
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
You have no idea what this goes for my ego. I literally made you cum in your sleep.
hotboxing with the ex-bf's two most recent hookups. they just realized they're eskimo sisters with his best friend. this is what happens when I come home for Christmas.
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
I've never seen a dude bust out of his jacket and rock an air banjo like u
It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
I feel like a drive thru vagina
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
I just got woken up by that guy wearing a Krispy Kreme hat giving out donuts
NO ITS THAT IM A SEXUAL DEVIANT AND CANT FILTER MYSELF
I feel like I may be the only person who can say they crutched their walk of shame. past the secret service.
What's with guys asking if I wanna "kick it" like I'm some fucking 19 year old
Randomize
