the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
I put a toilet paper roll with my number on it by his face... hooking up is not happening
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
I was about to smoke a bunch of weed and lay naked while I cried all day
Nothing bad can happen when you have a kiwi flavored condom. Absolutely nothing.
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
I apologized for the whole SWAT team incident to the roommate.
Lets just put it this way. Im meeting his nana after a mind blowing orgasm.
We were having a serious discussion about Blue's Clues and I just kept thinking, 'you've seen me naked'.
im so sad I can't openly talk about acid tab Sundays
Okay, yeah, judgmental guy at 7/11. I'm buying g wine at 10:20 in the morning. You wanna fight about it?
I wish I got tanner on friday but I feel like I spent most of my time puking in the bathroom. I love my life
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