At a bar where three women in denim shorts are debating techniques and skillsets for wrangling goats. You stay classy Delaware.
Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
He said "I know I'm not gay. I fucked a guy once and didn't like it"
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
High water is the most godliest tasting water in the world.
She said we "made love." I had to explain to her that when both parties agree that the first time time they have sex both people agree to video tape the whole thing its not "making love" but more like random good time fun sex.
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
Can we just smoke a few bowls and eat grilled cheese while drunk in our hotdog suits at 9am ?
If a handjob meant commitment I would literally touch zero dicks
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
I guess I look like the kind of girl who would buy edible, weed-infused lube.
Basically I will actually need a reindeer pulled sleigh to make it to all the penises in one night.
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
I touched a dick in church today
She picked a quarter off the floor, kissed it "for luck" and won the $20,000 jackpot. She bought dinner and stayed sober to drive us home. This is a typical example of a visit with my sister.
Randomize
