I think jizz is working it's way to becoming my number 1 food source.
so I made out with a lobbyist last night. im officially a resident of D.C
I feel like college is just one giant drunken trip to Taco Bell
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
Honestly, I've had enough of his asshole to last me the new year.
Please tell me you're talking about his personality.
I would totally lead with that as a line.'So, I was on Legends of the Hidden temple as a kid.. Your place or mine?'
She was rubbing her face on the carpet, she was high.
I am seriously thinking about wearing a blanket as a cape. So when I pass out tonight the blanket might keep me warm.
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
it's like my ID runs away from me when it knows it's time for me to drink
im looking at the positives. number one it stopped me from hooking up with vince infront of his girl, number two it gave me something to do instead of throwing up and number three i fuckin rocked his world
I apparently ooze single. The second I left his house after break up sex five of my old booty calls text me
Randomize