He looks like a mix between a retired piano teacher and a cat that just swallowed a sock.
i now understand why he chose to have sex with my friend rather then me after lookin in the mirror this morning. and id do the same thing.
If Andre Agassi did Crystal Meth, what was John McEnroe doing?
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
It was some time between the gurgles of her blowing me to us throwing up in the same bucket afterwards that I realized we would be doing this a lot.
And for some reason I was covered in ants... So your probably covered in ants as well
So. Do you think marshmallow vodka in hot chocolate while eating a graham cracker would = s'mores?
In some strange universe, yes
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
he may or may not have motorboated me on the steps of the library of congress
If you saw or spoke to me yesterday can you message me. Trying to make a timeline of the day I was too drunk to remember
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
Yeah, I'm just gonna try to repress that and remember him for his big dick and perfect jawline.
Fuck that guy and his dumb haircut and awesome dick
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
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