My sink just fell out of the wall. I can't deal with this right now
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
Yea it's a sex scar. But if anyone asks I tripped up carpeted stairs
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
I dont know it just seems wrong to fuck her on my exes back porch
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
Well, if it makes you feel any better I'll be drinking tequila and doing lines on Halloween. Just like old days.
do you think there's enough of the fabric you gave me to make a crop top for a cat?
He just said "I know you want my cock" and I said nah. I want food bro
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
Nice. Ask if they watched saved by the bell. yes=legal. No=jailbait
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
My boobs are too perky to pay that much for a car
Randomize
