Why does everyone think all I do is drink? I go to class on wednesdays
If I am going to pay someone to make me puke, it's going to be the bartender.
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
Excellent idea. Nothing says "congrats for resurrecting yourself, Jesus" like Greygoose at noon!
To be so small, the mini-horses are exceptionally aggressive. And fast. Very, very fast.
Abort! Abort! He almost bit off a finger!
She judged ME for picking my nose when SHE has the clap.
A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
Remember how I have such good luck that it's almost bullshit?
I'm afraid to ask, but go on.
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
I peed in Andys sink the other day bc I didnt want him to hear me pee
Last thing googled on my laptop last night was vagina chaffing. What the fuck?
my friends roomated asked me this morning if we went to mcdonalds last night and i had no idea...that is until i checked my purse and found half a mcdouble in it...
Randomize