So how was awkward coffee with forgets-your-name?
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
I woke up to blood crusted on my face. I don't understand
team rage. no explanation necessary
Apparently I was trying to convince him Springsteen has had buttsex. I ended the argument with "I bet he came from it too."
That's like the cock version of a mortal kombat fatality.
We should hook up after this. Laugh or look horrified to say yes.
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
He must be a special kind of stupid to cheat on a women who works at a funeral home. Does he not understand you can get rid of dead bodies easier than most Americans?
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
What are you gunna do with your life today
put it back together
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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