24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
tailgaiting my last final, a perfect sendoff.
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
He wants to make love to me in a sea of paint and wash my tears away with the brushes surrounding us..I've known him for 2 days.
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
Found a phone out last night at the bar. EPIC homemade porn vids on it!
You also once spent an entire hour explaining the origin of the strip steak to me.
I just sneezed and margarita mix and ash came out of my nose. I love jersey
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
you found yr lighter in yr cleavage and said so that's where you've been all my life
Ahhh, the bane of our relationship.... His mediocre penis
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
New rock bottom. Woke up at 7 am fully clothed in a bathtub full of water. I hate myself.
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