Alls I know is that his gf looked like Beyonce and he looked like Babar
but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
I got so many pubes stuck in her braces that when she yanked her head, I cried out like that one girl you "accidentally" rear-ended last week. Bald spots are battle scars.
I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
People are handing out olympic condoms downtown, just put it on and it broke, this is how there trying to raise the population. Very sneaky canadian government, very sneaky
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
Well I almost walked away with an Irish guy's boarding pass and some south guy's dignity
Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
Come over we're celebrating the one month anniversary of her first 4/20
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
as a self proclaimed hoe im ok with a lotta things but that is not fucking one of them
Randomize
