I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
Was finally able to jerk off without the motion giving me a migraine. Think my hangover's getting better.
Nothing like a $37 iTunes bill. Jesus Christ do you know how many $2 beer/shot specials that is??? The answer is 16. 16 beer/shot specials.
Just took the worst coed shower ever. We both cried. AND I only shaved one leg.
there is no amount of schooling that prepares you for when your morbidly obese 45 year old patient tells you she has her clit pierced.
I have so much boob sweat I could bathe a baby
No. I just want to cuddle and talk about our feeling. Of course this a booty call.
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
i ended up eating cold sauceless spaghetti out of the container in the fridge with my hands.
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
One of my favorite March activities is cropdusting people while wearing a kilt.
Should I bring my 4 pairs of bunny ears? Or is that too weird?
4 pairs might be a bit much
high I am. I am yoda. Yoda I am
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
Randomize
