Well you broke that rule when you put it in your mouth.
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
Piecing together the sordid story from witness accounts and photographic evidence, courtesy of Fcebook. My night included Mojitos, lighting the bar on fire and declaring myself the Queen of Nerds when I stole someone's flashing tiara. Woke up this morning with a velvet cape and plastic scepter to match. Mojitos are awesome!
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
How high are you?
I feel like breakfast can just fly into my mouth
Don't tell me 'the Fonzie' doesn't work. Went to see Shakespeare high and gave the sign to the dude playing Macbeth. Now at a cast party getting blown. All hail the Fonz.
I am a 5'4" ball of sexual frustration and vodka. It is that kind of night.
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
he has a party story that rivals our "PTSD- soldier-with-a-knife" party story. I'm pretty sure this is part of some prophecy.
I just have to decide what I love more, food or dick.
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
Hey! Its not the first time I've been eaten out in a bridesmaids dress in a church by a groomsman!
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