The girl sitting next to me in class is writing her to-do list under the title 11/31.
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
then he said "your boobs looked so much bigger on girls gone wild"
I forgot about that,good spring break.
He's stoned as shit, eating breakfast cereal and taking a dump. All while listening to dubstep. We may never understand him.
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
I'm not as easy in Europe as I am in the US
Only because you can wipe your slut slate clean & start anew. It's a little known benefit of our currency exchange.
Apparently william has a "couch montage"...an album of facebook photos of himself on different couches in various states of happiness and despair. A heartwrenching journey through what was clearly a significant part of his life. I'd mock him more but I think the fact that I looked through it means he's already won
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
It's time to run my sex life like a basketball team. Got the lesson Clint!
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
We had sex and I never took my mets hat off... I feel like Duda knows and approves.
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
Randomize
