i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
I sometimes wonder how many of the girls I know have done anal...and why none of them have ever dated me.
So he saw that playlist i made with his name as the title. i think he's creeped out that I have 106 songs that remind me of him
Dude, I swear her tits are going to give me a concusion.
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
I seriously think my heart may fail. And I didn't even grab a toilet beer :(
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
All I have are vague memories of us eating ham?
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
He waved at a guy who drove by while we were having sex in the back of a rental car in a hospital parking garage prior to visiting family. Almost made me feel guilty but I liked it too much.
Randomize
