I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
You were offering to spell people's name for a dollar.
I like to think of it as a lesbian feast.
I wonder if they have a "21st birthday" section in the hospital..
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
I am drinking green tea.... My liver is in shock
Can you bring me the toilet please
I don't know what his name was or what he looked like, but I remember him rocking me to sleep with his cock
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
He held my hand in public and I nearly came. Like he needs to be inside of me yesterday.
skipped tacos for a blowjob. No tacos. No blowjob. More importantly...no tacos. Wtf?
tonight...tonight im having sex in honor of you
Randomize
