she said "can't you just pull out and cum on my face? I hate scooping jizz out of my vag".
I'm assuming you texted me by mistake. you're not jizzing in or on me again, thanks for playing, douchebag.
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
You left half a beer on someones car and claimed it was a second day of hanakuh gift
you knoww youre high when you are just as concerned as the contestants on ultimate cake off as they move their 250 lbs cake over the ramp
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
Chasing bourbon with pepto... Dedication.
I dont think I should be allowed to pick my own boyfriends anymore
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
she doesn't even know what year it is. She just stumbles around life with a bottle of rum
what do we think the timeline is for when your liver will begin to revolt against your drinking habits?
THAT'S NOT NICE
NEITHER WAS PROMISING NOT TO TAKE MY SISTER'S VIRGINITY, THEN PROMPTLY DOING SO
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
So was it everything you dreamed it would be
I puked.
Twice.
So is that a yes?
What can I say, like your penis. The fact that I like the person attached to it helps too
Randomize
