So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
If I say "It's good enough" and I'm not talking about a sandwhich, that's your queue to stop me, you're supposed to be my friend.
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
There are going to be so many Snookis this Halloween that I might just dress as the guy that hit her and punch them all in the face
In the memo line of the check she wrote sexual healing.
We were showing our tits to everyone because it's breast cancer awareness month and we care deeply
I thought we were doing it cause it's Tuesday
So I'm thinking about sending him some "sorry I almost peed on your computer" cookies. Thoughts?
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
YOU BETTER NOT BE SHAVING YOUR LEGS RIGHT NOW IM TRYING TO HELP YOU
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
Ever been to a strip club with one stripper? I have. And she sucked.
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
I forget, are we banging TA’s for grades this semester or not?
Depends on how cute he is
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