Me= Watching Ferngully. My neighbor= Having really loud sex including multiple orgasms
Oh God
I know, but the worst part is I'm not really sure which I'd rather be doing. Feel free to re-evaluate our friendship
There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
you told everyone your name was brenda and you had the whole party chanting b-dawgg by the end of the night. successful.
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
Why is there an appointment in my calandar called "get the fuck to the bus" at 3 am june 19th?
Not sure I just ate a really big pot brownie, I feel like my future is uncertain
Bring one of those heart stabber things in case you go into shock. I'll jab you.
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
I'm home, and it turns out she didn't get it all. still picking Oreos out of my pubes.
that game of battleshots got way too fucking intense. why does the couch have burn marks now.
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
i did these weird ass ab exercises once that left me queefing for weeks
Randomize
