You held your own hair and threw up into a red cup...I think they were more amazed than upset.
Im not gonna remember this tomorrow but the real money is in coke i wanna get a dark wood desk and cell coke then i can own taco bell and the xxl chalupa will be mine
I'm way to drunk for this play. I'm about to run up on stage and drop the main character
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
You kept running up to random groups of people and saying "I'm a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader so we all have to chug our drinks!" and they all listened to you.
I feel like i could break down a fucking wall with this boner
Soooo, coming over soon?
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
Got a minor my first day of college from the bike police. I'm gonna like it here
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
No, next time he offers you a ride home, ask him about Batman. The result will always be road head.
Does this cleavage amount say, “Fuck it, I’m over dating, let’s just fuck?”
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