"Tonight I'm turning swine flu into an std" this might be how zombies come about. Peace civilization.
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
had to go back to that apartment this morning to get my other boot. it was tacked to the wall
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
We passed out in his car so I had to find a way to inconspiciously make my walk of shame back inside to go get my shit. To make things more difficult I had no pants and the whole neighborhood was awake
Dedication to a hook up: I had to recruit five people at the train station to help me buy a ticket from a kiosk and get on the right train in 15 minutes because I discovered that my car was stolen.
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
I just replaced the poop spray with an air horn... Now we wait!
Well I was kicked out of the bar and woke up on a picnic table. I'd say the night was awesome!
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
Who put the meatball sub on my door handle?
the worst fight me and my gf ever had was over Guy fieri
Would love to dress up in respectable attire and take you out somewhere nice and then do disgusting crude things in public
do you remember yelling out "insecurity makes my pussy dry!" unnecessarily loud at the bar?
Randomize
