I tried watching the view, i got through 8 minutes. That is probably a world record.
They always sound like a bunch of chickens.
conclusion of the day: americans need to get on tredmills, people need to learn how to flush toliets and learn how to pee in then instead of on them, and waiters shouldnt tell their life stories to customers.
went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
She checked into foursquare right as she left work so he would think she was there late and not on some other guy's dick
I have to say for barely passing high school, that girl is a genius.
I'm not trying to go crazy tonight either. I just want to go out, have a few drinks, meet up with my ex-boyfriend and get fingered or something.
I am literally hand feeding my crying ex boyfriend taco bell. What has my life become?
Those were the days I had no morals... Dark times.
Shall we take a trip back?
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
I just feel like I'm worth a little bit more than your recycled nudes...
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
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