my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
obviously you don't know the college version of myself. if there's something i'm ALWAYS willing to put up for it's alcohol.
He still lectured me about forgetting shit. Than he said he's gonna paint me green so I can stand in a corner and be a plant.
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
Her name means "flower that enlarges and gives birth." There is no way she isn't getting knocked up
So apparently the only parts of last night I remember didn't actually happen.. When did vodka become a hallucinogen?
Yes. That was the exact moment of my conscience clicking into instant high alert.
He called my boobs fluffy. Part sexy part pilsbury dough boy. Part sexy pilsbury dough boy. I'm so confused. And flattered?
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
My drug dealer bought me a book for Christmas. What a gentleman.
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
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